I’m feeling so fucking emo today!!!

Ahhh!!!

And I want to inject a bolus of potassium chloride on my jugular veins…

Have you ever felt so low in your life, like you are not making any sense at all?  And the worst part is that you can easily suggest or recommend things to your friends who are in trouble or is having some rough time in life yet you can’t figure out a single encouraging word for yourself? Well that is what I’m totally feeling today. I feel so utterly terrible and I totally hate it.

My day started out just fine, it was just an ordinary Sunday morning except the fact that I have to go to a seminar about Rehabilitative Devices and ECG reading at St. Louie Review Center. I woke up around 7.00 am and the seminar was to start at 8.00 am. An hour of preparation will sound reasonable if the venue is just quite near from where you’re staying, but no! - This is not the case for me, I just so happen to live quite far. So how do I do it? Well it just depends on pure luck, sometimes I make it, sometimes I don’t and this morning I was just on the nick of time. Actually, it has been quite a hobby of mine to be a little negligent about time. I know it’s bad but I like the feeling of squeezing 30 minutes into 5 minutes and it always gives me a sense of great accomplishment (such a petty excuse!). Yes, I know I sound such a tardy person, but I don’t mind I’m just so freaking PINOY.

I usually don’t go out of the house on Sundays. I prefer curling up on my bed until the sun rays entering my closed window hurt my skin. Nevertheless I chose to go to the seminar because it was for FREE and we are getting FREE certificates in return! (Oh, Yeah!) And we all love FREE things, right? And yes, I’m a parasite but not a selfish one. In fact I shared the info about the seminar to my friends and some of them came. It was a nice feeling seeing and talking to old friends. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t stay all day chatting with them, I also listened and learned! I just did the chatting on the afternoon, LOL. I was with Lei, Chicha and Laine, who are some good girl friends of mine.

So where’s the emo part? Well I started feeling all emoish while I was on my way home. I was alone riding a public transportation then all of a sudden I felt so lonely. I have no problems of traveling alone; in fact I do pretty well on my own but I don’t know why I felt so abandoned that time. The transportation was nearing town to its terminal when it halted near the church, so since it stopped there I climbed down the vehicle and went in the church to attend mass hoping that this feeling will go away.

When I was in I began looking around the church and noticed that almost everyone was with somebody and I was just with me. Then thoughts of my mom sunk in me, I had the sudden urge of wishing that she was there. I was imagining she was beside me because she was always my church buddy. I looked on my side, staring at the empty seat beside me wishing that she was there. At that time I started remembering her little mannerisms in the church and smiled. I thought of her innocent gaze, how she’d say peace be with you to me, her smile, how her eyeglasses would fall on her face due to a loose screw (which is basically her fault because she’d sleep or take a nap with eyeglasses on) and how she would unintentionally yawn in the church.  My God, I miss her terribly!

I know missing my mom is enough to make me go emo and that is given a fact, but I think there are probably some contributing factors that made me extra emo today. One of it is that maybe it’s because it’s Sunday, and Sunday is our day together. We’d usually go to church and after that we’d eat at a fast food and roam around town going window shopping. And you know what? The thought of doing that alone sucks so hard. Believe me; I did that a while back.

Another is that maybe I had not let my feelings explode during my last menstruation. I’m a total train wreck when my menstruation is nearing. I shout, I cry and I love picking up fights for short I’m terrible! And indeed Pre-Menstrual Syndrome or PMS (not Pre Marital Sex you pervert) really gets the best out of me. It was only my mom who can tolerate listening to all my paltry rants on life and now that she’s gone I no longer have an outlet, no more emotional catharsis for me I’m on my own. I know I have my family and friends who are willing to listen to my sentiments in life but not all can understand, like the way my mother did. I wish she was here.

Just a while back in church I prayed hard to the Lord to let this feeling go away, because it hurts but then I realized that if this feeling will go away then that would mean forgetting her. I don’t want to forget my mom. She will always be in my heart. I’d rather feel the hurt of missing her baldy than disregard her memories.

Mom, if you’re reading this I truly miss you. I love it when you visit my dreams. I especially love that dream when we were like in a house and I saw you and I hugged you so tightly! That hug felt so real like you were just here beside me! I know you’re in a better place now and I hope you’ll always watch over us. Thank you for helping me with my problems even when you’re far away. You are welcome to visit my dreams anytime.

I love you mom.